I'm tired today.

Took the kids BF back to the airport after a weeklong visit. Not here- they stayed at a motel. I couldn't have handled having somebody else in the house that long anywho. So that's a couple hours driving, 1/2 with someone I barely know in the car, plus my kid was sad to see him go. Me? I'm glad things will get back to normal soon. it's just weird, your kids growing up, you know.

not that i don't have grown kids. i do, except they are not much like my kids. not because they're step, but because i don't know if/how much they actually care about us. that makes it pretty fucking hard to gauge. one, the realtionship is ok for the moment, which i've learned quite clearly is pretty much all there can be: the moment. anytime i've come to expect more or, stupidly, believe there was more already, well, i've gotten shot down emphatically and in my face. the other one - well, no interest in having a relationship = none. he's frankly been a dick to us. which i'm willing to overlook, honestly, but you have to quit it for a few minutes for me to successfully overlook it, too. i can erase it, but not while you're still doing it.

my baby, though, it's a different story. i know she loves me and her father, and while she may (okay, will) make choices we're not hip on sometimes, well, I don't question that she'll wake up one day and decide we're not worth the trouble if we're not thowing cash or praise or some other sort of reward at her. i won't be asking if she's ever really given a shit...she is the one we/i raised, so i guess that says something for a loving home. she does know how to love back. and knowing she loves us and has a heart of gold, it's a lot easier to overlook the minor annoyances or little things that might otherwise get under my skin, y'kno? i'm grateful for her.

i always thinkg about this stuff around the holidays. i guess it's natural, plus the ghost kids have birthdays during the holidays. so it hits home pretty much every year. but i'm getting tired of it.

don't know what the new year is going to bring, but i supsect there will be some resolution of my feelings regarding my kids. don't know whether to rejoice or mourn the fact, honestly. ultimately, i'll probably be doing some of both. i feel like i should quit saying i have three kids, because i don't. i haven't since the early ninties.

i do know that everybody i know is GLAD to see 2008 move into the past, and i'm in that crowd. whatever it brings, i'm ready to live it.

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